As a mom, it can be difficult to figure out this new, complicated identity that is motherhood. I love being a mom and I love this new addition to my “me-ness” but…sometimes I want to be more than a mom. And not because being a mom isn’t super, but because I’ve only been a mom for 4 years and I’ve been someone else for 30 and it’s complicated.
To further complicate things in my mind, in the past couple of years I have been making the transition to staying at home…well… for the most part. I still work a little bit when I can, which for me is the perfect balance. But, when someone asks me what I “do” I sort of stumble around this weird, unnecessarily awkward explanation that I stay at home, but I still work sometimes, and I love staying at home, but I like having my foot in the door at work. I make it awkward.
But, for 16 years “what I did” was teach Irish dance. I’ve known I wanted to teach Irish dance since I started helping with classes when I was a teenager. After college I dappled in some freelance writing, but it wasn’t my passion. My passion was Irish dance. I felt so lucky to be able to pursue my love of the music and dancing as a career. Then I had kids. Cue the sound of slamming brakes.
Kids. Change. Everything. I loved teaching dance, but I loved being at home with my daughter. Then 15 months later I had my son. Then 19 months after that I had my third kiddo. I still love teaching Irish dance, but I really love staying at home with my kiddos. I was completely surprised by my desire to stay at home. I didn’t predict wanting this role and I never “saw myself” as a parent who stays at home with their kids, but, wow, do I love it.
And even though this is what I want, it has been a challenging transition. I am so worried people will think I’m lazy because I stay at home. I’m worried they’ll think I’m not a feminist or that it was my husband’s choice, not mine. I’m worried I will become less smart from hanging out with toddlers all day. Lots of worries in this brain of mine, but even with those worries, it still feels like the right choice for me.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m still figuring out how to do this stay at home thing. I’ve learned that we shouldn’t literally stay at home because then we all go batty. I’ve also learned that I depend on my partner even more heavily as a stay at home parent because weekends feel like work days for me unless I shift a lot of parenting duties to my husband. And if I don’t get a break on the weekends…let’s just say I’m not the best version of myself come Monday. There has been a steep learning curve for all of us, but it’s what I want, and I’m so thankful that I can stay at home, still teach when I can, and now, write my heart out on this blog!
So, here I am. I’m a stay at home mom who sometimes works and sometimes blogs and sometimes loses her mind. All good things, all good things.