The first trimester of pregnancy is filled with so many emotions depending on your situation. In my situation, we were delighted to learn we would complete our family with a fourth little nugget to love and go crazy with 🙂 We weren’t sure we would be able to have another baby so it was extra special. The first trimester (first week?) was filled with excitement…at first.

It was also filled with debilitating morning sickness, which should really be called something much more dramatic. I was officially diagnosed with HG (Hyperemesis Gradivdorum) but again….that name doesn’t really do the symptoms justice. I’m thinking maybe, pregnancy demogorgon, or stage 4 puke-throw-up-shell-of-a-human-syndrome.

Mom guilt is so real when your 4 year old starts crying anytime you cough because she’s convinced you’re going to start throwing up. There’s also the guilt of throwing fruit snacks at your children between puke sessions and crawling back into your bed to try to stop the puking. Then there’s the regular guilt of asking your husband who works a million hours a week and is getting his master’s online to bring you to the hospital again for fluids.

Cue amazing in-laws. You heard me. AMAZING. My mother in-law offered for the four of us to come out to her house in Virginia and basically live our best lives with my mother-in-law, father-in-law and aunt-in-law helping me 24/7. It was unreal. Combined with new medicine and a change in the weather, I started to feel like a human again. A nauseous, exhausted, sick human, but at least I was semi-functioning. Well, at least I wasn’t dehydrated to the point of needing IV fluids. We stayed three weeks. By the last day I was fully functioning.

But, I have to tell you, before the magic of Virginia and my in-laws….I was in a dark place. A DARK place. It’s hard to explain how mentally exhausting and depressing throwing up all the time is. And because I was only 4 weeks, 5 weeks, 6 weeks, 7 weeks, 8 weeks, 9 weeks, pregnant, I felt like I couldn’t tell people. So, I was in a dark place, I had lost about ten pounds, my husband was at work all day, my kids were troopers, but dependent on me and I was letting them down, and I had no one else to talk to. Until I did.

I TOTALLY get waiting until you’re whatever week you want to be. But, I told people super early. I told people I trusted with this information. People I knew wouldn’t judge me for having a 4th baby. People I knew who would be supportive and kind. And it was a life changer. Just the supportive texts were enough to let me see some light.

I wouldn’t wish HG on my worst enemy. I really wouldn’t. It’s a confusing time to feel resentment towards your little baby who is just trying to grow. And it’s hard to want someone….but start to not want him or her, too. Of course even in the throes of darkness I knew I ultimately still wanted my little nugget, but…I would be lying if I said there weren’t some moments of regret. Pile on that mom guilt. Just, pile it on!!!

Here we are, though, somewhere in week 12, only a couple weeks away from the second trimester. I am nauseous and exhausted, but I am not throwing up. Game. Changer. I’m dealing with some different mom guilt now…but it’s doable. For some reason Grace is convinced I’m going to die when I have this little baby. We’ve talked through it, and I think she’s starting to feel better, but that was gut wrenching. Henry keeps asking me if the baby is still in there… not for any other reason than he’s literal and my stomach is not “big enough” according to him. Sophia keeps saying “baby, tummy, baby tummy” but also calling herself baby with a sense of urgency and conviction I haven’t heard before. But these all seem age appropriate and surmountable. Maybe because I’m hydrated and not passing out. Yay hydration and nutrition!

I know mom guilt is just a part of being a mom. And I know my friends and fellow moms would say “don’t feel guilty” but, I do. It’s just how we feel love and compassion for our littles. My logic brain does understand I am doing the best I can and it’s all going to be ok, but my emotional brain, which is about 10 times its normal size when I’m pregnant, is full of that guilt. I’m looking forward to the second trimester and being closer to snuggles with our littlest one! Grace is hoping for a boy so Henry can have a brother. Henry is hoping for a boy so he can have a brother. Sophia is hoping she will somehow still be the youngest and the “baby” so she can maintain her status. Patrick and I are just hoping he or she is healthy and there isn’t too much more pregnancy drama.